Why am I so Negative?

[epik_noodles]

So, I woke up early...
Umm... I'm still suffering from jetlag,.. I can fall asleep until 6:00am. I sadly don't wake up until 2:00pm. Waking up at 8:00am means I only sleep for 2 hours. Imagine the grumpiness. The dentist appointment is at 10:00am. More cavity fillings, my jaw and teeth hurt so much!

Later I was dropped off, alone, at Ikea to go eat some soft delicious Swedish meatballs with lingon berry sauce. I walked around, explored, found a cool sofa. I was picked up and we did some grocery shopping. We had a barbecue. I ate blood dripping raw steak, because that's the way I like it. The sweetness of the blood and fat still remains when the meat is raw. I'm not trying to sound creepy, but I've been eating that way since I was a child. It contains lots of iron.

Maciek visited me a few hours ago. He came to pick up the souvenirs I got him a cute Naruto in Asakusa cell strap and an awesome violent shirt with a cute bear (he called it pedo-bear) viciously cutting up Ronald McDonald. Maciek loved it because he knew the bear. He stayed for a bit and I showed him all the cool stuff I got from Japan.

I dunno, my life just really feels pointless.
I realized a long time ago, but maybe my parents are right. I truly am useless. I've been told that I'm useless for all of my life. I am of no contributing value to society. No one needs a loser like me. I never did care for college. As matter of fact, I don't want to attend classes! I don't like my classes, I don't like where my life is going. It's true that people say I'm smart, but I'm a different kind of smart. I only know how to resolve peoples problems and bring smiles to them. As for knowledge, I only know random useless facts, my memory of facts is decent. Nobody cares if I know about the fall of Edo, the secrets and origins of the himitsu bako, the American Revolution, the specs of every passenger aircraft (right down to the engine and fuel tanks), filming skills, or agricultural knowledge (don't ask). I know useless things. There is no place for me in college. I have no interest in classes. It's been so many years and I still haven't decided on a major! Society doesn't need lazy good for nothings like myself. For me, I would prefer to rot on the side of the street like the useless fool I am.

I needed to get that written down, my emo-ness always weighs me down.
Now I feel better.

Comments

[airah4]

You are FAR from useless, Tessie. The most useless person I know is Victoria, and even she has something of a purpose. You are a GOOD person, a world traveler, a talented being....and you think you have no purpose? I don't care who you hear it from....don't ever think that about yourself, because you are truly wonderful!

And more than that, I read your entry about being Japan with everyone....I hope you had a lot of fun with Arata Sempai. I only regret we never got to meet her. And I wish we could have hung out together a the Shinjuku Towers......

[epik_noodles]

I know it's bad to be calling myself useless and irresponsible, but that's how feel now. If I can't get through college, then I really am useless. Being called useless by my parents, teachers, and classmates. I don't want to go back to school. *laugh* I punch numbers into a calculator for a living. You have a point, I do have a few minor accomplishments here and there. "In time, you can't move backwards, you can only go forward to the future, but your future is only as bright as you make it." Right? Generally I never write about negative things, but it just felt good to get it off my mind. Thank you for the concern.

Japan was the best trip ever! It was fun and I wanted to stay longer. I had many adventures on my own too (got into a fight at a supermarket). It would've been really cool to hang out, but we were all busy and unorganized. Next trip then!

[airah4]

Noooo, I understand that! The point is, you shouldn't feel useless, because you're obviously going to do what you either have to do or want to do. It's no one's business bu your own. College is nothing. If you can't get through it, it doesn't mean you're useless. It means you have other plans in which college does not figure in!! And I only say this because it's become a recent revelation to me....I realize I've been digging myself into the kind of debt it takes years to get out of just to pay for my education, and yet all I have been doing is skating through classes, not really knowing what I want to do or planning what I will do when I graduate. I went to Japan, and then I realized that what I MOST want to do is the very thing college is NOT going to help me get into!

So I feel it's the same situation--or similar--with you. And I really hate that your close relations like family and friends are calling you useless. If they can't support you or try to help you, then they're useless. What are family and friends for? They should be encouraging the best from you, not putting you down! Maybe you can talk with them about how you feel!

And no problem at all....you really are talented, so it's just such a huge shame to see someone with such a gift have to deal with being called useless and actually believing it. -_- You really are talented--never forget that!

And I am SO glad to hear about Japan!! I know just what you mean. Let's definitely meet up next time.....I want to go back!!! ^^;;